I love February.  I love the stillness of winter.  I love the way if you are in your jammies with a cup of tea at 5:30 – no one thinks twice.  The holiday madness is over and the summer madness is creeping quietly but still feels distant.  I have enjoyed February with my babes.  The snow days, the warm days, the illnesses (we will get there) and the life consuming journey that is motherhood.  I am a February fan.

My career is at an all time high for me and I am so very thankful for that.  I have always feared the idea of hating my job.  If I am going to spend 1/3 of my life doing something – I am going to love it.  Luckily for me- I have always loved it.  Right now though I am just loving the dynamic and things are going well.  That being said, we have state testing next week which makes me crazy so if you ask me what I think of my job in a week – I might have a new response.  But today- Good vibes!

The babes- Oh the babes.  Two human beings running my life.  They are magnificent.  They are healthy, smart, over the top hilarious, and the perfect amount of sweet to each other.  It is something fierce, ya’ll.  As someone who grew up as an only child-I am obsessed with their bond.  It is precious.  I hope it lasts forever.

My kids have been healthy babies since birth.  We grew a little in the NICU but nothing at all compared to what some parents go through.  We have been healthy since day 1 and I don’t take that for granted. We have all of our vaccines, we go to our wellness checks, and outside of a runny nose here or there- we are healthy babies.  Noelle has yet to be on an antibiotic and Landen has been on one.  Lucky, right?  Not to mention- I am notttt at all a closet mama. My kids go out and have since birth.  We go to germy places and live it up.

Well- God showed us!

Last Tuesday- Landen spiked a fever at daycare.
Wednesday- Karen stayed home with him- he slept a lot but other than that he was fine.

Thought we were past it….

Wednesday this week- Noelle spiked fever at daycare
Thursday- we split the day off – I took off the morning and Karen took off afternoon
Thursday night- Decided she was good to go back to daycare Friday.  Had no other issues besides fever.
Thursday at 9:45- Landen puking.  WHAT?! Whyyyy?? Pukes all over his bed…twice…and in my hair.  MY. HAIR.  Gross! 12:30 he goes back to bed.  We decide to split the day off with him Friday.
Friday 4:30 am- Noelle wakes up 103.3- both babies stay home.

Both babies act perfectly fine all day!! They don’t even know how to be sick! Both went to bed tonight at 7:00 and were angels this evening.  I took them to Sam’s club where I bought snacks for every student in my school for 4 days. That’s 1,470 snacks.  To say people were staring is an understatement.

Knock on wood- I think we are on the up!  The last 48 hours has been rough though!  For those families with kids who seem to always be sick- I am so sorry. No could do haha!

Surrogacy-  IT’S STARTING TO GET SOOOO REAL!!! EEEK!  This Friday (a week from today) our intended mother starts her shots for her retrieval.  We also finalize the contract this weekend.  Bring. On. The. Babies.  I am hoping to get pregnant in April/May.  So So excited!! Insurance has been a small set back here and there but we are pretty sure we have worked through all that.  Surrogacy is technically illegal in Indiana so coding things and working out logistics is much more tricky than I ever realized.  It will be worth it.

Lastly- July 9th- Magic Kingdom- 23 month old babies- Have I lost my mind? #disneyobsessed!




End of January

Here we are! Almost 1/12 of the year 2018 is behind us.  It amazes me how when you chunk time by months – the year flies.  It will be summertime before we know it.

This blog is a 2 subject post.  First, my babies turn 18 months old in 4 days.  I get it.  I am supposed to say “where has the time gone?”  “How did they get so big?”  “Slow down, time”  and to an extent – their lives have gone fast since they arrived.  As in, I do feel like they were baby babies yesterday.  But in the sense that I have only been a mama for 18 months- get out of here!!! It feels like they have been apart of me for decades.  I am truly obsessed, ya’ll!  Here are the highlights of our lives right now…

*Landen had his first haircut.  Be. Still.  My.  Heart.  I can’t even!!!!!  He is such a heartbreaker.  Look out ladies!

*Noelle is a boss.  My boss, Karen’s boss, Landen’s boss.  It’s her world- we are just living in it.  She also is a lover though- just on her own time.

*They talk and have such different personalities and it’s so sweet.  I adore their differences.  They are incredible.

*Tons of teeth, great eaters, love to be around people, hate being at home, 2 naps (UGH), healthy, Noelle is down to paci at nap and night only (praise the Lord), Landen loves any kind of ball, Noelle loves to push things like grocery carts, etc.

So much fun to be their mama.  I couldn’t feel more blessed.

2nd half and topic-surrogacy.

It’s moving right along!! We finally got together after the first of the year and we worked out the logistics of the contract.  Good gracious- that was intense!  I can’t tell you how insanely similar me and the intended mom are and how identical Karen and the intended father are.  Mom and I  are totally like- let’s do this tomorrow- we will figure it out as we go!! Karen and dad are like – What if this? What if that? How will we deal with this?

I mean guys, life insurance, what happens if they die? What happens if they get divorced? What if I go on bed rest? What if I get pregnant with 5? What if I birth a mermaid? I mean, goodness! SO much heavy thinking!! But alas- we did it!! We all agreed on things  so easily.  I am thankful for their kindness toward me and my health. They are so very accommodating – more than I could have ever asked for.

So going forward- Intended mom is waiting to start her cycle and then she will have her retrieval, they will fertilize and freeze.  They are going to do some embryo testing and looking to probably transfer in April.  From there- we will see how long it takes.  Not being pregnant in the heat of the summer?  Don’t mind if we do!!!!  I can’t wait for this experience and I am soooooo thankful we found the best family ever to make this happen with.  I am so lucky.

That’s all for now- here’s to hoping for more snow this week! (Says the girl who had 6 snow days 2 weeks ago!)



2017: Oh How I Adored You

I am not sure why the end of 2017 is feeling like such an “end” to me.  I really don’t believe in endings and truly believe that since there is a January 1st, 2nd, and 3rd etc… that really it is just a big continuation of all the fun we are having.  That being said, 2017 was by far one of the most influential of my entire life.

Since the babies were born August 1st of 2016, clearly 2016 will always be the year that made me a mama and for that I adore 2016.  In a new way, though, 2017 feels like the year I got to know my babies.  So many of their milestones fell during 2017. Let’s reflect while I tear up and drink this peppermint hot cocoa…

*Starting eating real food (and haven’t stopped ya’ll- these babies eat EVERYTHING!!!)

* Started moving- from rolls, to crawling, to tiny steps, to walking, to running after each other.  Movers and shakers are on our hands

* Started sleeping through the night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Praise Jesus in all his glory-Amen!!!!!  I never thought I would see the day. And I mean that- Every 3 hours until they were 8.months.old!!  I came to the conclusion that it was just my new normal!!!  If you have ever said to a sleep deprived mama something to the effect of “when they are ready, they will sleep” or “have you tried formula?”or  “You should let them cry”  or “Don’t let them cry, they will be scared and have attachment and trust issues for the rest of their lives” – if you have said anything to the tune of any of those things without being asked- please know your death was plotted by a mother completely capable of murder and if she went to trial and her jury was one of all mom’s- they would acquit her for killing you and I would be in the court room cheering it on!  I don’t even like mentioning that my kids sleep from 6:30-6:30.  I avoid it in every single conversation I have with mothers especially new ones!! Sleep will never matter to you until you aren’t getting any!!!

*First swimming experience/Went to the beach
*First Birthday

*FIRST CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
It could be a post in itself.  Magical doesn’t even describe it!!!!  I was excited for Christmas leading up to it but I thought I was probably going to love it for them and figured next year would be the year we really saw them start to understand.  WRONG!! They LOVED opening gifts and the tree and the lights.  It was all awesome.  We visited family before Christmas this year which was a new idea for us.  It was so nice to have traveling over with and just enjoy the four of us for the actual holiday.  Our kids were spoiled beyond all belief.  I tried to stop it.  I tried every line I could think of from “they won’t even remember this” to “save it for college.”  Yea- ignored completely.  It was humbling and overwhelming.  They are loved.  That being said, I took all my decor down on the 26th and spent the 27th organizing the playroom with things I bought on Amazon prime on the night of the 25th.

So 2018, I am excited for your arrival! Truly, I am!! But forgive me while I reflect and say “Thank You!” to 2017 and all it brought our family.

Now a small shift away from mom life and thinking of 2018 from a bit of a selfish stand point.  My babies have taught me so much about myself.  One of those things is that I neeeeed me time.  I need time to go to dinner with my wife and drink wine and say the F word.  I need time to work late and drown myself with my career as it means soooo much to my heart.  I need to be the kind of friend that people want to have.  I want to be available to be there when they need me.  While I know I can’t ALWAYS be there- I can sure go down trying!

Everyone has heard of resolutions and I am in no way saying they are bad- I am simply saying- I am bad at them!  One of the most important people in my life told me a few years ago that each year instead of making a resolution- she chooses a word.  That word becomes her “word of the year” and as she takes on projects or guides her life- she uses that word to impact her.  I LOVVVEEDDD that idea.  2017 was the first year I tried it.  I chose “balance” as I was only 2 months into being back to work, my babies were 5 months old, I was drowning at work….I neeeeded balance.  All year I thought of that word!!

2018- I choose the word “influence.”  I want to have a positive influence on the world in 2018.  I am weeks away from beginning my journey as a surrogate and want my influence on that family to be a positive one.  I also have started a new job at work which allows me to influence many people.  I feel like I am given a lot of chances to influence people and I am ready to do it the best way I know how.  I want my babies to have an influential mama, and my wife to be positively influenced by her wife.

Life is good, family is everything, and time is short.  Happy 2018, ya’ll!! Cheers!!




But for real!!!  2018 is going to be the year I get back to blogging.  It gets hard when you no longer are going to appointments to document and your daily life seems less than ideal to blog about.

So my infertility blog will soon become a blog about surrogacy and how it feels to be on this new ride of pregnancy and being an oven to a bun that doesn’t go home with me.

We have met, and started a great friendship with our intended mom and dad.  Without giving too much of their personal information- they are an amazing family that we are blessed to have in our lives already.  We were connected through our favorite ultrasound tech at our fertility clinic and we text and facebooked for a few weeks before meeting.

I met her at Barnes and Noble and we sat and talked for about an hour.  She explained a lot about her life and past and long story short is that she has 2 children and her husband has a son.  She is no longer able to have kids and they want a baby together.  If I am being honest- this isn’t how I saw our surrogate story going.  In fact I always imagined carrying a baby for a male/male couple or for a female/male couple that couldn’t get pregnant on their own.  However, some people think I shouldn’t be a mom and that my family is nontraditional with 2 moms.  Who am I to decide if they want to be parents?  They are the sweetest couple and would make amazing parents together.  I can’t wait!!

After the intended mom and I met, we set up a dinner date that included her husband and my wife.  We all got along great. Her husband is hilarious and awesome and I think this whole thing a little bit freaks him out …in a good way.  I think the logistics of it all are weird to him.  And frankly- who can blame him.  A random woman would be carrying your baby.  Totally weird, right? 🙂

The first step for me was getting a flu shot.  When I was pregnant with the twins, I got a flu shot at my first appointment and felt like death for the next 2 days.  NEVER. AGAIN.  So I asked her if she wanted me to have a flu shot and if she did I was going to get it now.  She did I we went when they were free at school and got my flu shot.  She had an egg count and check and all was well.  Her husband is going this month to have a sperm analysis and then we are good to go!!

Stems, retrieval, and transfer will happen in January as she is currently on her husbands insurance and they don’t cover fertility.  Our school district does (she works in the same district as me)  and so she switched to have things covered.  Bring.  It.  On.  I miss being pregnant so much!

I spoke with my doctor about having a vaginal delivery since I had one and one with the twins and she is all about a V-Bac (she actually had 4) so I am so happy for that.  I would love a vaginal delivery as that recovery was 3000 times easier than my c section however I will do whatever is best for the baby and myself based on a doctor’s professional opinion.  Plus- recovery without a brand new baby will be a whole new world as well.

I will update as we get more dates and plans.

As for my own babies- they are so rotten ya’all! How does that happen?  Noelle has more sass than I know what to do with!  Landen is the sweetest boy!  If I am being honest-  this time change has me terrrrrified!!  They currently sleep from 6:30 at night until 5/5:30 am.  This works perfectly with our schedule!  But the thought of them waking up at 4 am next week?! AHHHH!!!

They eat everything we do- nothing they don’t like.  They are hilarious together.  I am including a few Halloween pictures.  They LOVED trick or treating and the houses that let them pick out of the basket were their favorite.  Of course- they ate zero of that (mommy had a few pieces) but the experience was perfect.  The weather was cool so we got to bundle up and it made my heart the happiest.

We have our 15 month appointment coming up on November 28th.  We say about 10-15 words. Landen thinks everything round is a “ball” which seems cute until your kid yells “BALLLLLL” in the produce aisle over and over again at onions, cantaloupe, apples, etc.

Noelle says “Bubba” to get her brothers attention and he calls her “sissy” and it melts my heart 1,000 times.  They love brushing their teeth, Minnie and Mickey, and reading books.

Life could not be more fun!! Blessed!!!!!




The Other Side of Fertility

When I say I was obsessed with pregnancy when I was little is probably an understatement.  I mean really….like looking back it was weird.  If a 10 year old was as obsessed with it today as I was, I would think they are nuts.  But none the less, it was my reality.  I even remember picking out shirts that made me look pregnant bahaha….oh past self, you are silly.

But in that obsession I always dreamt of being a surrogate mother.  At the time I think it stemmed from my fact that I wanted to be pregnant but as I grew it became a way to want to provide the BEST gift to a family who couldn’t provide it for themselves.

As my fate of infertility became my reality I realized I may never even have a baby of my own let alone be able to carry someone elses.  And now here we are… my twins are almost 11 months old and I am realizing this may be in my cards again.

When I went to my annual with my OB in April I told her I was interested in being a surrogate and she was SUPER excited. She said she needs them all the time (really?!) and would put me on a list and be in touch.  I also messaged our fertility clinic and asked if they used surrogates.

Well 2 nights ago I got a message from the ultrasound tech at my fertility clinic that she has a friend looking for a surrogate.  She gave me her number and I text her immediately. Here’s what I know

*I stalked her hard on FB (Judge me all you want, you would do it too)

*She has kids….but is recently married to a new man.  So my guess is, this is a problem with them and not her as she has had 3 kids….or maybe she had her tubes tied…I am guessing…again, I don’t know.

*She is a teacher at a school very much like mine.

*She owns a yoga studio!

*Her texts and messages have been super upbeat and excited.  We are talking today on the phone at 12:30.

I am beyond excited to follow this dream and make someone’s dream come true to be a parent.  I know how hard it was for us to get our miracles and I love the idea of being on the other side of fertility.  Wish me luck 🙂



Mother’s Day

I am guilty…..

I am guilty of seeing the stay at home, appear to have their lives together, hair done with make up and kids eating organic food mom and thinking I will never be that amazing.  All while never knowing their back story. Not knowing anything more about them than what I see at Target.

I am guilty of forgetting some of the pain I felt when I wasn’t a mother yet.  I try to tune into that and be present with how painful it was.  I look back at that stage of my life.  That hell I lived for 3 years trying to make my dreams of a family come true.  I hate that some of that pain has been lifted as I want to use it to be there for other women.

I am guilty of still feeling a sting when I see pregnancy announcements or hearing “we weren’t even trying.”  It’s a double edge sword to never ever ever ever wish infertility on anyone but also be hurt by the ease they have of pregnancy and children.

I am guilty of seeing people my age have amazing relationships with their moms and being so jealous.  I will never have that and I want it so badly.  It’s tough.

I am guilty of feeling jipped that Karen’s mom wasn’t the support for me that I wanted in a mother in law. She is fighting her battle with dementia and needs her family support and here I find myself selfishly wishing she was the kind of mother in law that could fill the void of my own mother.  It’s wrong of me and completely unfair.

I am guilty of having my own kids and often not feeling like a mother.  Feeling like I am not worthy of these two beautiful miracles that God gave me to raise and protect.  Praying I am doing it all okay.

I am guilty of taking for granted that we have people here who want to be mamas to us and grandmas to our babies in a unique way.  Family by choice is amazing and we are so lucky.  Yet I fear that one day they will want to walk out on us the way my mom gave up on me so abruptly and unexpectedly.

So I am guilty-…I am guilty of getting everything I wanted- to be a mother- and still feeling so much sting on Mother’s Day.  I feel it, I hate it, and while we shared a truly perfect day on Sunday, I was ready to get to Monday….fast.


Here they are….the 10 pounds and 8oz that changed my entire world and made me a mother.

“They are twins! Are they different?”

…..just a little 😉


9 Months

So that’s a lie…we are 8 months and 3 weeks old but if you follow me you know I suck at this post birth blogging life so let’s call us 9 months 🙂

We crawl backwards and I think it’s the funniest thing I have ever seen.  My kids won’t. stop. eating. Seriously!  Eggs, fruit, veggies, mashed potatoes, bread, avocado, I could go forever. There is nothing they don’t love and it makes feeding them so easy and fun.

The purpose of this post to think/talk about something I never thought I would even think about and that is the idea of having one more baby.  To be honest- I feel greedy even considering it.  I prayed and prayed and hoped and wished and cried and all the other things for one healthy baby and I was blessed with 2 perfect, happy, healthy, life changing babies.  Who am I to think I should get another one?  Sooo many struggling couples don’t even get one.  Which, let’s face it….is bullshit and so unfair and I hate it.  UGH.  Why is infertility a thing?  Maybe it’s because my annual OB appt is today so it has me thinking….maybe it’s because we have 4 frozen embryos that I think about so often or maybe it’s simply because I loved being pregnant soooo much!!!  *Another post coming soon about possible surrogacy situation*  But who knows… we will see where today’s appt leads. I want to ask about future deliveries.  I had a vaginal and a c-section delivery for my twins and that c-section recovery SUCKED.  I at least want to know I have the option of a VBAC.  My doctor personally had 4 VBACs so I know she isn’t against them but I wonder how much begging I will have to do in order to get her to agree to a natural labor.

New topic- Date Night.  If I ever wrote a book I think it would be about marriage after babies….the good, the bad and the ugly.  I have never loved my marriage more than I do as a mama and I think it’s because it was so obvious so fast that it was going to take work to keep our marriage healthy.  It was going to take effort, time when I was tired, going out of my way for my wife and so much more to keep our marriage what I want it to be.

I read a statistic that parents of multiples are 18% more likely to divorce within the first 5 years than singleton parents and I get it.  It’s so easy to each take a baby and….survive!! That is all we are doing some days! haha.  We are feeding, changing, playing, loving on, and growing 2 humans!!!  While we do it next to each other, if it wasn’t for our intentional devotion to each other, we could EASILY devote our nights and weekends to our babies and never even say “how was your day.”

My wife and I have had weekly dates since our babies were 3 weeks old.  Every Wednesday we take our babies to friends who treat us so much better than we deserve, and we go to dinner and usually do some kind of activity like a walk or a shopping trip etc.  IT’S AMAZING.  I completely recommend it and I would be a mess without it.  I look forward to each Wednesday.  I LOVE my kids but I was a wife before I was a mama and I don’t take that for granted.  Love your spouse, love your marriage, and do whatever it takes to make your marriage matter.  I would love to hear ideas of what you to do to show your #marriagematters! Share away! I will probably steal it!!

Lastly- I few milestones we have hit so far..

*babies first plane ride- amazing

*babies first ear infections- easier than I expected

*In laws spent 5 days with us and met the babies- so sweet

*Cousins visited every month and took the monitor so we could sleep-priceless

*babies sleep through the night- MAAAYYBBEEEE next update haha !

*Weight- Landen-20 lbs! Noelle- 18!  Preemies? PLEASE! 😉